"I'm going to live, I'm all right, I'm going to die, it's all right, I'm ok. That's some dream."
Weirdly catchy song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TA2fAFfaHco
- mentally slaps face like silly-
"Do the work required. ... When you have it, that was enough. Until you've got it, it's not enough."
Still haven't got it, nope.
A bit cooler, but since I went to sleep around 3 AM last night, felt totally run over when I woke up. UGH. So sore and hot. Managed to get another hour or so after waking up, but still felt really $#!%ty for a while. Then I stuffed my face with some of those desserts that my dad brought home last night.
I did a photo shoot of the three amigurumi plushes that I created last night, was quite happy with the resulting photos. Uploaded and edited them, then posted on my dA and submitted to groups. Posted in VARSSD for the first time in a long while. After that, got a convo on etsy from a person who wanted me to make a china mochi, so I talked with her for a while and got my first sale in a long while, woo!! Installed google chrome to my account on the computer, had lunch with my mom, made okazu-style food, and riceball! xD yum yum.
ugh, overdose of salty and sweet foods. my hands are slightly swollen, yet I don't want to eat sweet foods either. What a conundrum. While waiting for dinner, worked on cutting out patterns and sewing 2 large mochis and a small one. Mom made linguine and leftover broccoli and green beans, and it was so hard to stop eating more pasta, lol. Pasta is so addictive. >.< Dad came home early today, right after dinner was ready. Worked on and finished cutting out the felt pieces for China and panda mochi when Jen came home with awesome stuff from walmart!! xD I have to log them down tomorrow.
oh, yesterday, forgot to mention that thanks to a status from Koby, I discovered Mumford and Sons. Not crazy about the aesthetics of the music, but I'm just so charmed by their songs. Also, was thinking that anthony's birthday was soon-ish, I don't remember when, but.... I won't be wishing him a happy birthday, nor him to me. To think that last year, I went to walmart and bought him a lei, saw two other old high school friends, ate dinner, had a nice night on his birthday.... and for mine (although belatedly), his mom gave me a yarn lei that's hanging on my door, then the next day, he picked me and my sister up to go to karaoke and ended up eating lunch together.... -sigh-
anyway, at night: FINISHED CHINA AND PANDA MOCHI, I AM SOOOOOO PROUD!! :,D Made a (3-D) copy of China mochi so I could have a reference, and also because I love him so much! ; A ;
Got an EPIC idea for a new plushie pillow!! I felt like I was on a creative high, just wish my body and energy would allow me to create all the things that I want to! Is it all the sugar from all the sweets? lol
Annnnnnd.... I had my sister buy more brown yarn so I could make a monkey amigurumi. I got the idea while thinking of a certain person, lol. ;D
-feeling increasingly frustrated after jenni came home cause I kept on having to hear about her chatting with and talking about romano. >.> I wasn't online because I was working on my mochis, but still... felt pretty crummy. I was feeling pretty crummy about how it felt without even trying, jen found yet another way to outdo me, a way for me to feel left out, even if it totally wasn't her intention. >.> Talking to my mom about it, and it's so frustrating feeling that she's so much better than me in every aspect, and all I have is a sky-high laundry list of faults and problems. She could at least be ugly or fatter, lol. xd Mom's response? "you're more photogenic than she is." Oh, awesome. Too bad that's totally useless. Useless panda. xD
but yeah, after I turned on my laptop at night, talking to someone and I guess my feelings of hurt, insecurity, and resentment kind of spilled out, and I ended up crying a bit. I'm just a vulgar, rude, lazy, pissy, moody, PMS-y panda, and he says that it is just the truth, and when I ended up crying, he felt bad and said that he didn't know how to deal with me, since I was so difficult to deal with. Pft. Story of my life. >_> I know that I'm really difficult to deal with, and that just adds to my frustration, because I don't want to be... =_____= Then he was saying how I shouldn't bottle things up, and I said how my problem was more that I don't show restraint in letting people know how I feel but... in a way, I guess he's right. He said that I really was that way, I wouldn't get taken advantage of so often. So I figured it this way: I'm all too painfully aware that I'm difficult --> when I complain and the other person doesn't like it, I trust their viewpoint so I won't be more "difficult" But yeah, that led to my being taken advantage of. =___="
I just feel so cr@ppy when I think that I have all these traits and nothing really good about me. =___= oh, except for being more photogenic than my sister. LOL. Thanks mom.
...almost make me want to become nocturnal. Good gravy, it's late/early. And to think that in Habib or Fly's time zones, it would be a decent-ish time in the morning, almost 7 AM. Well, ok, not decent, but not insanely early ... oh, what the heck, it doesn't matter. It's getting too insanely late for me to be up! >.< I was feeling pretty tired since 12-1 AM or so, but after a while, something kicks in and you either you just don't feel as tired, or feel even MORE tired. Brings me back to my high school and college days, lol...
anyway, a summary of Saturday, Feb. 19th since I still don't feel like writing in my IRL journal.. >_>
Woke up in a rather stormy and sorta bipolar mood, annoyed and angry and getting on my sister's case for having spent an hour or so in the bathroom, then feeling really irked about lots of other things and ended up crying out of frustration. god, I HATE these PMS-y days. Felt overall like cr@p for a good part of the day, really negative and such. But learned that Belle's situation got a little better, so felt happy for her, and later on, found out that Mitsuki's mom pulled through, even if things were iffy. Didn't feel like talking to anyone much, my eyes felt really tired, and it was really hot and humid, blegh. Pleasantly surprised by the Gaia anniversary hats, though. Chibi looked absolutely miserable, so I ended up trimming her long and thick fur. Not an easy task, cutting dog hair, lol. Good thing that I had practice with my first dog, Pepper.
Lesse, what else? later on in the afternoon, taught my mom how to do a simple chain stitch since she wanted to learn how to crochet and make amigurumi plushies like how I make. Uh oh, I hope that she remembered to put away the yarn and hook, I kind of wanted those back... >.> it felt so unpleasantly warm and humid in my room around 5-6 PM that it sort of made me feel kind of unwell.
While mom was making dinner, there was this bizarre thing where my dad was supposedly calling my mom's cell phone over and over again, leaving voicemails, then calling my house, and her not being able to hear anything but a creepy sort of garble. Made us worried that something was very wrong, because he wasn't answering her texts or anything, but we had a hunch that something was wrong with the phone and it was calling without his knowing. Turns out that it really was the case. Dinner was delicious, teriyaki steak kebabs, mac salad, fresh white rice, broccoli.
later on, it rained, and things felt a bit better. Worked on creating another original amigurumi pattern, created a frog and panda (me and my sis), then a panda rabbit. Dad came home late again, around 11, but he brought several trays of desserts home. One of them was 1/3 of a guava chiffon cake from Napoleon's bakery, and I squealed, since that was the thing that I've been craving and whining about wanting to eat for the last couple of days. Actually eating it, though, wasn't so satisfying, especially it being 11-11:30 at night. But there was the uber tasty yellow cake thing, but after eating my 3rd bite of it, my throat felt all tingly and itchy and irritated, like I just choked on something really dry and crumbly. It was the weirdest thing. But so sad, because it was sooooooooo tasty. Though that it was some kind of alcohol doing that, but my mom said that it might be a lemon?? But yeah, very odd.
declared myself divorced from Romano. LOL.
I know what's coming next, and I hate this part.
the weather is horribly still, humid, and hot. My skin and hair are oily, my hands feel swollen, I feel sore and crampy, my eyesight in a horrible state, and I just feel so generally cr@ppy physically and emotionally . I finished 2 fan black bomb bird hats today, which turned out quite well due to successful experimentation of a combination of techniques, but my heart just wasn't into it as usual due to all the emotional stress that's been building up for the last week or so. My shop sales died right before Valentines day, and I also am considering closing it ever since my mom told me about how if you file for a business license with the state or something, that they raise your property taxes like $10k. Things weren't going great before that, with me feeling kinda crazy about that whole anthony thing, but then that was just a killing blow to my morale. Pouring my heart into my shop was the last thing that I had to help me feel happy, and now that things are so uncertain, I just feel like $#!%. It doesn't help that I feel like that anyway due to PMS symptoms. UGH.
And there was a shocking development in the Jenni/Romano situation, even more shocking because it was just LAST NIGHT that I was talking to my sister all night about him. SIGH. >_> But she didn't do anything wrong, so I guess that I have to be glad for her? but I'm just so worried.. oh well. I'll just hope for the best. T_T
um, what else? yeah. Feeling like some people's lives around me are crumbling as well. =___= ugh..... I need to see the ocean and drink in all that calming blue.... sometimes I feel so depressed if I don't see it for a while. Maybe it would help relieve some of this insanity that has been plaguing me, but I don't know if it will do anything about all these dreams that I keep on having about him. I know that I just need to let things go, but.... god... I just....
I feel like I'm emotionally lying face-down in a ditch. "eff it all" sort of phase.
but surprisingly, I found this season's american idol to be quite interesting. I haven't watched a show on tv for sooooooo long, so it must be good to have me watch it. It's a nice distraction.
sigh. It feels so horribly humid and gross. ugh.
anyway, I just finished crocheting a brimmed hat, I made up the design myself, and I sewed a decorative wooden flower button on as a perfect finishing touch, I was happy about how that turned out.
but yeah. I'm just so emotionally tired and worn down right now. =___= I just want things to turn around, to just be able to find joy in at least one aspect of my life.
Heading on my way to the bathroom in the half-lit house early this morning, I blearily glanced at the kitchen clock and wondered if it really was telling me that it was almost 3 AM. It was no surprise, then, when morning found me and I was highly reluctant to open my eyes. So I just didn't for a while. A strange whine. Pain? I stopped and listened carefully. A strange whining again, possibly from pain or loneliness. Maybe something was wrong with Chibi? I forced my heavy eyelids open, and walked to the kitchen. Was she shaking? I petted her and wondered if the sound had come from her. When the sounds did not repeat themselves, I went back to bed.
When I woke up this morning, I felt pretty OK, but with a sense of something off, or was it just the still and uncertain weather that made me feel slightly perturbed? My mouth was dry and my stomach reasonably stable, but a taste of bitterness in the air, or a poison in my mouth? "Just my imagination," I thought to myself as I tried to shake off the thought.
The sound of an approaching mailtruck coming down the street re-opened my eyes. I glanced at the clock. 12 already? Last time I had looked at the clock, it was only 10:30 AM. I inwardly grimaced, closed my eyes, then psyched myself to get up and get ready to go outside. A glance out the window told me that my timing was perfect, and right after the mailtruck honked its horn, I was already out the door and halfway down the steps. A rather large square package, a smaller package, and some bills. As I carried the stack inside, my heart was beating. I saw that the smaller package was indeed for me, but was the larger one for me as well? The package that I was expecting for some time was in Texas last time I checked the tracking history.
Inside, I found that I had indeed received that package, my small packing boxes that I had ordered last month. The smaller package was what I thought it was, my material and jump rings that I had ordered not too long ago. That was pretty fast. I assembled a small shipping box and was very pleased with it. I went to inspect the material that I had ordered, and wondered where the jump rings were. Holey moley, that was it?? I cringed when I thought about paying $4 for such a tiny bag of jump rings. I cringed again when I inspected my invoice. Over $10 for a yard of felt and a tiny bag of jump rings. Hrm. I cringed yet again when I realized to my horror that the felt that I had ordered from Taiwan yesterday was merely HALF that size. Good god, what have I done? These people were getting away with murder.
I went to eat some breakfast before starting anything else. I mentally compiled a list of things to do.
-Leave feedback on that etsy seller
-Continue working on my Sealand doll that I had started last night
-Hot glue the wig on
-Make my daily rounds online
-Clean up my room a bit to make space for my boxes
-Update on February bookkeeping
-check up on my Etsy billing
Hmm. What else was there to do? I might remember them later on. I glanced outside at the overcast and uncertain gray sky. Would I hurt myself by eating cereal and giving myself a sinus headache? I didn't see much else to eat, so I poured an equal amount of frosted mini-wheats and lucky charms into my small cereal bowl. I reached into the dripping fridge and grabbed the rather empty quart of milk. I glanced at the expiration date and immediately remembered my sister's remark last night: "The milk expires on Valentine's Day."
Daily Blah blah blah - normal edition (WALL OF TEXT :P )
oh nooooooooooooooooo!! my mini journal is missing! ;A; I'll have to record the follow up here until I find it. ;~;
other things that happened so far:
-Felt kinda sad, miss the good old VARSSD days, felt like crying. Started to miss Korea too, since I was listening to the music that he gave me while I was doing my February bookkeeping. I made back 57% for this month! :D
-Got another order for an angry bird, there is only one left now! :D
-On facebook: Upgraded PRP's etsy page, they made it so that you can log into the account and interact with your fans; created a Kawaii Kon event. Mitsuki told me that she got 364 yards of yarn, which I thought was an incredible amount, but when I googled it, it seemed like a normal skein of yarn, which worried me, since the skein of Tshirt yarn that I bought last night (for almost $10) was only 39 yards, but it's extra chunky, so... Anyway, she said that she would look for more yarn in that apple green color that I was looking for, and get me some tea/coffee for me and my sis, and look for the apple green/black felt. WOO~ Found out that edwin got the paperwork for his transfer completed, and was now moving... Mm. I wonder what he's going to do with those two sea dollars that he found me..
-On Gaia: Got a trade from that Poland cosplayer (Astrid) that I met last night in the thread that I created as panda_rabbit, 3 panda items!! <3 <3 I want to do her fanart to thank her, and arranged to do so later on.
-Found out that my mini journal was gonnnneeeeee! Dx Had some pizza for lunch
-Took pictures of that bizarre rainbow Wicked Witch of West fleece to post on etsy sometime. Not sure how much to charge for it, since it has moth holes. Thinking of charging $10 since priority mail shipping would be $6.
-Parents came home, brought me home some stuff that I needed from walmart!~ Mom found some dirt cheap cream/tan felt around $2-something per yard. OMFG. And more stuffing, yaaaay! And an oddly perfect black "fleece" that looked exactly like what I wanted to imitate, the black nori part of the sushi for my musubi plushes.
Now I need to scan the receipts from mom's walmart purchases. I want soft-shelled tacos, sigh.
-Upon checking my email again, I blinked in amazement when I realized that I had another etsy order- I sat there staring blankly at the screen for a while before moving to scroll down, my heart pounding... what had sold? It turns out that one of my musubi plushes sold!~ 2 sales in one day, that's a first!
-Realized that I was in trouble if someone wanted to order that last angry bird that I had listed, so I went online to look for 5x8 mailers. No dice. I ended up having to settle for 6X9 mailers. Wanted to print out the shipping label for my order, but what resulted was a massacre of papers. D: My printer, for whatever reason, decided to pull every paper violently on the right side only, resulting in an incredibly horrifying scrunching and jamming of the paper. -sigh- After grappling with that for a while, gave up and hoped that the canon printer had enough to print out my label, which it did.
-Took a break for dinner, didn't feel all too perfect, but managed to eat some hot water and rice, refried karaage chicken and fried noodles that dad brought home from work previously. Later on, found my journal thing! It was driving me crazy. I hate not knowing where things are. But strangely enough, I couldn't find the netbook. Oh well, I guess that Jenni has it? Now I have to transfer the summary of what happened today to my mini journal. Geez, I'm so OCD. xP
All this time I've been thinking that I just need to "hang in there", but oddly enough, I just might need to let myself fall in order to get better.
I'm spending so much energy just barely getting through things on a mere survival level that I'm paralyzed with fear. My sister told me a story about this time when she went to camp and they did this walk on a rope suspended 15 feet in the air (with safety harnesses and whatnot). Basically, she was so terrified and trying to be so careful in trying not to fall that she was barely able to step forward, and it took so long for her to take whatever steps she managed to make. This went on excruciatingly until near the end, when she finally did slip and fall. It was terrifying and quite an experience, to be sure, but once she did fall, getting through the rest of it was so much easier, and she felt so much better about it. A friend of hers fell at the very beginning, but afterwards, she was almost fearless. My sister wished that she could have fell near the beginning as well.
I'm getting more and more sensitive to everything by not going out and challenging myself. I had a very intense panic attack a day or so ago, then two mild ones today that were triggered by relatively very weak things, and after the first one, I fell asleep around 1-2 pm, as per my usual escape response to having a panic attack. But this is one of the first times that it happened during the middle of the day. I wondered if I was developing a type of anxiety-triggered narcolepsy.
But seriously, this is getting very bad. 5 panic attacks in the last 2 weeks or so, and at times, I'm getting back to that point where I start to panic while eating. x_x Eating has been hard lately. Sometimes when I get a panic attack after 6-7pm, it takes me an hour or so to relax and get over any relapses, then I conk out for the whole rest of the night without having eaten.
In order to get better, though... mm. It's scary to think about. I need to have courage to bear the worst of my panic attacks and not run away from them so that I get used to them and stop letting them stop me from doing things or going places. And I need to let go of my need to control things (predictably, things relating to my sense of comfort and safety in terms of having a panic attack) because when it comes down to it, I can't control things anyway, or things often come up or things don't always go according to plan. If I count on things going exactly as I think and it doesn't, and I was only barely managing at that level when something else happens... well, I'm going to be forced to bear even more, even though I might feel really horrible or think that I might not make it. 'Cause if I don't make it, I don't make it. There's not much that I can do about that. But if I make it through, then I'll be ok. Not much that I can do about that either. I have to be less of a panda in the sense that I'm reliant on my bamboo and hiding in my bamboo forest, but people are chopping huge areas of it by the day. Not be so reliant on lying down and sleeping and shutting down the moment I feel unwell, because little by little, my life shrinks and shrinks til there's nothing left but my ding spirit, my terrified mind and incredibly weak and sick body barely getting through the day.
But god, you have no idea how terrifying it is to even contemplate getting through a panic attack. Even mild ones are scary. My heart starts pounding, my stomach feels upset, I feel really nauseous, my throat starts to tighten, my mouth goes dry, breathing intensifies as my heart rate jumps, my head starts spinning and throbbing, my hands and feet get clammy, everything feels like it's spinning out of control and it's hard to keep my eyes open, talking is extremely difficult and forced, and it's hard to concentrate on anything. The adrenaline pumps through my body and I'm inwardly writhing in stress and discomfort, inwardly begging for a release from feeling like that while trying my hardest to concentrate solely on relaxing, calming down, remaining in control even when my body and mind is panicking like crazy. I try to breathe deeply and stretch and listen to music and meditate, raise my arms above my head, and when it's really bad, pinching myself as hard as I can bear it, just to distract myself from the panic.
There were moments where I felt so incredibly nauseated that I just didn't know how I'd get through the moment or the next, but somehow, I did. Even the most terrifying and excruciating nights passed and daybreak broke (literally and symbolically); feeling much better and sitting and staring at the intensely blue sky the next day after a horrible and excruciating night, it feels like a completely different world. Even now, sitting here at my laptop from 9-10 pm, after being able to eat a small dinner, put away the rest of dinner, eat more, and prepare lunch for my sister, it feels like a completely different reality from just earlier today, when I was barely able to talk. Even though today seemed to start off well, my stability quickly deteriorated. And for most of the late afternoon, I was feeling so subtly and uncomfortably unwell, but decided to paint, which really seemed to help.
The other morning, I woke up feeling better after having to rest in bed after the most intense panic attack (starting to hyperventilate + a relapse even after I was able to lie down and listen to music) that I've had in a very long while (and triggered by something that I normally handle alot better), and even though I felt better, as my sister walked past me, I held out my hand for her to grab, and after I held it, I started to cry. I'm so, so, so incredibly weak and pathetic. But how do I stop? Will I really be able to do what I'm going to need to do?.......... Lord, please help me.
.... right now, I feel a little bit happy. =)
I woke up this morning feeling very uncomfortable because I dreamed that I was choking up dirty cotton or something, and it was probably because my throat was feeling so dry. UGH. Horrible feeling. Then I didn't feel like eating until mid-afternoon, and felt kinda off and spirits really low for most of the day, and I felt dejected and just in the pits in general by late afternoon. Then I got a text from Habib, asking me if I was available to Pokechat. I really didn't feel up to it at the moment, I felt like I was going to have a headache and was feeling a bit unwell, but when I got myself up and turned the game on, I figured that I could just talk for as long as I could, since it's been so long since we last was able to talk. But after a bunch of puzzling difficulties (turned out that Habib was going to the wrong room. LOL), I felt like I really wanted to talk to him. After this realization, I went back into the Wi-fi room to wait for him, but it turned out that his wi-fi died; I waited anyway while trying to crochet this coaster pattern that I was doing for a commission.
I finally got the courage to ask him if he had received my package, and it turned out that he did, which was a huge relief for me, since the delivery confirmation tracking number told me that it got delivered yesterday. After that, he decided to open his gifts since he really needed a pick-me-up, and hearing him sound happy made me feel so good.... I love it when I'm helpful to people I care about, but I feel so much happier when I'm able to make them smile, since it makes the whole world a better place. =)
Afterwards, I went to go eat a dinner of egg salad sandwich, fresh popcorn, lightly salted wavy chips (my favorite), and two glasses of icy milk. Mmmm.... and for this brief window of time, I feel sunshine streaming in my heart again. I wonder if I've been feeling so miserable because I haven't been able to talk to him in the last few months? Well, I've been feeling more sick in the last few months anyway, but it really didn't help. When I talk to him, it's like the curtains in a dark and musty room being parted and the bright and cheerful sun's rays streaming though and breaking the gloom. He really is my "Sunny Day." (pokemon in-joke) ;D
haha, I sound like I'm in love, but it's not like that at all, LOL. But I really do love him. Friendship love is love too. =)
... you have no idea how much you're breaking my heart, even when I thought that there was nothing left to break. Pretty soon there won't even be dust left....
As I watched the light fade and the shadows grow on the wall from my bed, I wondered what kinds of things I could do and what kinds of places I could go to during my favorite time of day if I weren't so unwell all the time. Another day struggling through the day and watching the day pass from my bed.
Moments would come where it felt like the pain and the discomfort would be too much to handle, and then somehow it would pass. I was feeling so incredibly sore, tired, aching, dizzy, swollen, uncomfortable, and generally unwell for most of today, and I wondered if there was anything at all that could make me feel at least a little better, anything that could feel good to me at all.
Even though I had woken up rather late today and was feeling really sick of having to rest so much, I was forced to rest for most of today. Yet...Between fitful and uncomfortable naps, I couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, I almost wouldn't mind if I fell asleep and didn't wake up........ but that thought brought tears to my eyes, because even though this is no way to live, even though the only thing that makes me realize that I'm alive is that I'm sometimes in so much pain, nausea, and discomfort.... I want to want to live. :(
But last night, I had a much different type of dream than any other that I've had in years and years. I dreamt that I was an ultra-cool, uber high tech, and in control spy in action, like the kinds you see in the movies. There I was using my secret and state-of-the-art devices to drop in for a breather at a super exclusive restaurant in the middle of the crystal clear ocean with rainbows all around, making small chat with a high class woman, then upon realizing that I was due in 10 minutes to the airport, took off into the sky with my portable jet pack. After getting to the airport and getting the OK to go on my next mission, I ducked through a large and secret passageway with someone who convinced me to bring them along, and encountered unexpected intervention and ended up having to do some impromptu shooting lessons. *BAM* "Don't stop shooting until it stops moving!"
"I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams."
During a time when the discomfort and pain felt subtly maddening, I thought so many dark thoughts. If I died, who would pay for my funeral? Things are in such dire financial shape that I don't want to make it worse. Maybe I could sell my stuff in attempt to pay for it. Or maybe I could make it look like an accident, since I have about $2k in accidental death or injury insurance. But no. Even when I think things like that, I know that I don't mean it. But still, I hate that the only things tying me down right now are just things relating to how I'm hanging on and living just because I can't die. Before, I had things that I wanted to do, places that I wanted to go, people that I wanted to be with. But now, I just don't have hope that I'll be able to do anything. Even the simplest things are so difficult now.
I feel so disappointed in myself because several people were trying so hard to get me to hang in there and help make me pick myself back up, especially Jen, anthony, and romano, which makes me feel worse about my inability to get better, in a way. And people who have been patiently listening to my gripes for the last few years, like my trusted friend symbolism. Other people have tried hard as well in the past, even if they gave up on me, we drifted apart, and/or forgot me by now or are no longer in my life.
In the end, though...am I going to be like those people who could've been saved if they just left their lifeboats and got onto a rescue ship? :( I don't know if I have the strength to do much more than survive at this point. But even then, I don't know how long that I can keep this up.... Will the year end without my creating any more good memories? Will next year be better or worse? Dx
Maybe Habib's phone was right. Maybe I am never going to make it to 24. x__x;
"I don't know about you, but I'm getting 'fun'ned out." T_T
"let me guess... We're about to go over huge waterfall."
"sharp rocks at the bottom?"
"...bring it on."
You win the internetz if you get that movie quote reference.
But seriously. Isn't this all a little too much to be believed? ... OK, I take that back. Things aren't horrible at all. But it feels like a really uncomfortable (if not slightly worrisome) "calm before the storm." Feels like we're buckling down for a long and cold winter. Everything seems complicated. Solutions seem no where in sight. My eyes are tired. My head is sore. I wasn't feeling all that great earlier today, but I pushed myself to try and compile and inventory and set out to set up an etsy shop, so I had some hope that I could try and work to improve an aspect of my life, maybe even help out, be somewhat productive. I was feeling somewhat determined and optimistic for once. After a long day of digging out all my plushie creations, documenting them, creating labels (during which I accidentally slit my finger with a portable craft paper cutter... AGAIN) and packaging them, I sat down and worked on the logos and whatnot and set up an etsy shop. I forgot to eat lunch. x_x Good thing that my parents made a fast meal when they got home, I was feeling kinda ill and ready to collapse (not literally).
I even set up an facebook page for my shop, and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. A friend commissioned me to make one of my hetalia mochis, yay! After dinner, I finished labeling, and thought about pricing. Previously, I figured out that the combined usage fees for etsy and paypal would be 6.4% + $0.50. Ouch. No wonder everything is so pricey on etsy. >.> But even if the profit margin wasn't going to be super high, it was still money.
Later on, feeling really bored, restless, and lonely, I decided to go online and read more of the etsy seller's handbook articles. I started reading about taxes and whatnot, and was shocked to discover that any person that had an etsy store was considered a business and are required to file section C or section C-EZ with their taxes. UM. Then I tried to sort through the delicate "hobby or business" definitions and just felt more exhausted. Why can't just one thing be uncomplicated in my life? x_____x; Afterwards, feeling exhausted, sore, empty, restless, and bored, I snacked on a whole bunch of things, that french strawberry jam preserves and the leftover pancakes that I made last night, 2 pb&j saltine "sandwiches", handfuls of popcorn that my dad made..... -SIGHHHHHH-
Sad to say, since it absolutely kills me to go through those nights where I'm forced to turn in early cause I'm feeling so sick, but I just want to end this day. Knock me out with a mallet, I'm done for today. T_T"